Tuesday 23 April 2019 by Arabin Patson

Londoners demand drastic solutions to climate change that also cause them no inconvenience whatsoever


Londoner want climate change solutions that don't inconvenience them at all

After a week of disruption by the Extinction Rebellion protesters, Londoners of all stripes agreed that climate change is an urgent problem seeking radical action, just not the sort of action that would require leaving for work a bit earlier.

As the police arrest over 1000 people for the crime of forcing others to reroute, Londoners insisted they are not climate change deniers or selfish pricks who would merrily let the world burn as long as they could get £15 pulled pork wraps from a Spitalfields food truck.

As confirmed media consultant Simon Williams, who said, “I’m as environmentally conscious as anyone. I use a designer aluminium water bottle that I carry ostentatiously. I fun run for the rainforest. I even called Nigel Lawson a dickhead on Twitter. All I ask is that the changes needed to save our planet be ones that blend seamlessly into the lifestyle I already enjoy.”

Tourists, such as South Korean visitor Park Jihyeon, also found that direct action by protesters completely ruined their experience of London.

She went on, “I came here for the historical sites, the overpriced public transport and the hostility of the locals in jobs that depend on people like me. Not harmless demonstrations about the only issue that literally affects everyone on the planet.

“How am I supposed to enjoy the absurdly high criminality of one of the richest and most surveilled cities in the world when I am distracted by pink boats and small vegan women being dragged away by policemen?

“Just yesterday some people started a yoga session and interrupted that classic British experience of being subjected to racial abuse by a heavyset gentleman with tattoos of something called ‘Millwall’ on his neck.

“Typical hippies.”

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