Government that can’t make its own MPs support it genuinely believes it can stop teenagers from wanking

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In what is seen as yet another example of Theresa May’s inability to face reality, the government is going ahead with a plan to stop minors accessing pornography using a registration method that will take the average person about seven seconds to get around.

Simon Williams, spokesperson for number 10 denied the upcoming law was a transparent attempt to cash in on a moral panic by conservative voters who still struggle with email.

“We are determined to prevent our youth accessing harmful material on the Internet. We want to return to the wholesome days of fresh-faced urchins hoping a tramp left a Razzle in the bushes or seeking the direct contact of adults happy to break the law in order to provide sexually explicit materials to minors.”

However Wired Magazine journalists Amanda Tinnock explained that the project was unlikely to succeed at anything, other than allowing Theresa May to tell Daily Mail readers they were still in charge.

She explained, “There are few IT projects that the government has not utterly cocked up. In fact, the email that the DCMS sent to reassure people about privacy concerns managed to reveal 300 email addresses that should have been hidden. They really are that shit at technology.

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“It’s also a hopeless task. Kids will simply google how to get around local censorship, install a VPN add-on on their phone and get back to fapping with the sort regularity teenagers have been achieving for centuries.”

Ms Tinnock did concede the law would be of consequences in some quarters.

“The law will have some minor impact on the producers of British pornography. But since this consists mainly of 50-year-old prostitutes shagging needlessly aggressive men from Essex, the sector was doomed anyway.”