Thursday 18 April 2019 by Danny Walsh

Catholics busy confusing science with divine intervention


Notre Dame crucifix didn't burn

Following the terrible blaze at Notre Dame Cathedral this week, some Catholics have pointed out that God must be real because a golden Crucifix above the altar survived the inferno.

However, educated folks have been quick to point out that it is, in fact, science that saved the solid-gold cross.

“It’s all about melting points and temperatures,” explained Toby, a 14-year-old currently taking Triple Science and PE at GCSE level.

“The melting point of gold, at around 1000 degrees Celsius, is much higher than the temperature at which a wood fire burns – which is around 600 degrees Celsius. But apparently, the melting point of religious fanatics is much, much lower.”

Refusing to believe this to be fact, members of the Church came out to offer thanks to the Lord through prayers and the lighting of candles.

“All I’m saying is this: God burnt this place down in order to show us that He is real, and the survival of the gold cross proves it,” explained Father Phillippe, a local Priest.

“He set the rules which determine what melts at what temperature, so the cross only survived because of him, and it’s definitely evidence that he’s playing the long game.

“In the olden days these sacrilegious science types would have been burnt themselves, and I’m all for bringing that back, to be honest.”

He gained support from his congregation, with one of his parishioners adding, “Science types are bottom of our list of people to save, below rapists, murderers, and even Muslims.

“Science is the Devil, and the Devil is….bad.”

If this situation heats up any more we may see a Science vs Catholicism war, which wouldn’t look good for Catholics. Prayers won’t work very well against laser-guided weapons.

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