Theresa May only one humiliating defeat away from subjecting House of Commons to The Macarena

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After another devastating defeat in the House of Commons yesterday and facing increasing calls to resign, Theresa May is trying to decide when would be best to bring out the big guns.

The Prime Minister was dealt a fresh blow last night as the government was defeated by 329 votes to 302, setting up votes on Wednesday to find out what kind of Brexit has most support among MPs; a plan that Theresa May finds peculiar as she believes Brexit means Brexit, and what could be simpler than that.

“She’s tried everything to keep control, but it’s all starting to fall apart for her,” said her close friend Lady Margaret Buttock-Wipingsby.

“She’s tried pushing through her own deal, then mixing things up by pushing through her own deal, and after that, she even tried pushing through her own deal. What more can she do – she needs to claim back a bit of authority.”

She explained, “We’ve seen her dancehall ragga-style style moves in Africa, we’ve seen her come in to Dancing Queen at the party conference, and now all that is left is for her to dance the entire three minutes and fifty one seconds of The Macarena in the House of Commons and hope everyone gets behind her and joins in.”

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Victorian-era caricature and haughty bellend Jacob Rees-Mogg responded, “No, we’d rather not have any of that Spanish rubbish here, thank you. If there is to be any dancing it should be Maypole dancing.

“By which I mean we stick pop her head on a stick and dance around it.”