Following the announcement this morning that the annual bonus for John Lewis Partnership staff is to be the lowest ever due to falling profits, the decision has been made to re-brand Waitrose to appeal to a greater number of regular people.
The supermarket chain, operated by John Lewis, will be re-branded as WIDL with immediate effect, which bosses hope will lure in customers from a new social demographic.
John Lewis spokesperson Christopher James explained, “This has been our worst year profits-wise for quite a while, and we’re panicking a bit, to be honest.
“So we have decided to concentrate on developing the footfall potential of normal people, those on a budget who actually look at the price of things before putting them in their trolley.
“Offering free coffee was moderately successful in drawing in the plebs, but when we started asking them to buy something in order to be entitled to that free coffee the numbers started to drop again, so we have to come up with something new.”
He went on, “And WIDL is the way forward. Having a name that doesn’t mean anything in English and is four letters long seems to appeal to ‘normies’, as we call them.
“Obviously we will in time reduce the number of checkout staff and introduce a chaotic approach to storage and shelving in line with the new branding, which we hope will make our new customers feel more at home.
“It simply can’t fail. But if it does, then we may have to look at slashing the price of our caviar.”