Friday 22 February 2019 by Arabin Patson

Prime minister returns triumphant from Brussels after securing 2 for 1 deal on premium chocolates


Theresa May gets no concessions from the EU

Theresa May has declared her latest trip to EU headquarters a brilliant success as she was now able to distribute heavily discounted confectionery, strong flavorful beers and lovely little statuettes of the Manneken Pis.

In the short visit to Brussels, the Prime Minister impressed her entourage with her hard bargaining skills and steadfast approach to deal-making, as explained Simon Williams, a Young Conservative who had joined the trip.

“She is such a canny shopper! She saw us looking at the beers in the train station shop. But she’d spotted a large supermarket in the outskirts from the Eurostar. She got the driver to take us there and the beers were a third of the price than in those posh shops in the town centre.

“And even in the expensive areas she showed us what real negotiating is about. She entered Van Houtens chocolate shop, walked up to the shopkeeper and simply asked for a 50% discount. Bold as brass!

“She also got a great price from those African chaps selling miniature statues of that fat boy taking a whizz. It was must have been a heated discussion because she said something about calling the police. All I can say is that without her I would not have been able to get half the stuff I returned with. She’s a legend!”

Mr Williams was asked if he believed Theresa May had extracted any concessions from the EU.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Her and Juncker talked about church restorations and then everybody ate sandwiches quietly.

“But I’m pretty sure that was the plan in the first place. Fancy a praline?”

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