EU commissars, all of them foreign, have cast aspersions on Britain’s pragmatic solution to avoid a hard border in Ireland by using a combination of tracking software and ethereal Dementor border agents.
Simon Williams, Brexit junior minister and thoroughly sound chap, explained that his department came up with the policy after crowdsourcing ideas for suitable alternatives to a hard border.
He explained, “Samir, the Asian lad who speaks wonderful English, suggested we could try asking the Twitter for ideas.
“Not sure what that is, some sort of supercomputer probably, but it came up with some rather brilliant stuff. It said a Dementor can instantly detect if goods are destined for the UK market or if it’s simply passing through as traffic en route to Paris, Rome or Azkaban.”
Mr Williams then explained that despite being entirely workable, the idea was treated with barely concealed contempt by European officials.
He went on, “I’m sure that woman giggled when I told her our plan to train Dementors. Typical obstructionist bureaucrats.
“But not to worry, we don’t give up easily. Just today, the Twitter computers offered a training course by some chap called Yoda that understands the Brexit spirit of doing or not doing. Everyone I ask assures me he can train people to do amazing things in a short amount of time.
“I’m told he struggles with verb placement but that’s just because he’s foreign. I think he’s Israeli or something like that.”