Monday 28 January 2019 by Andrew

Queen says ‘F*ck this shit’ and re-establishes absolute monarchy


Queen takes back control

In what is believed to be a subtly coded message about the current Brexit impasse in parliament, the Queen has said ‘Fuck this shit’ and re-established an absolute monarchy in the United Kingdom.

The Queen’s speech at the Sandringham Women’s Institute began with references to respecting different points of view and coming together to seek out the common ground, before she took a massive swig of gin and Dubonnet, slurred ‘Fuck this shit’ and dropped the microphone.

Political commentators say that it is unusual for the Queen, who normally takes a rigorously neutral political role, to make such a statement and are decoding what she might have meant when she drove at high speed to Westminster, stormed the House of Commons, grabbed the ceremonial mace and ordered all MPs to be taken to the Tower of London by the Household Cavalry.

Although the government is technically ‘Her Majesty’s’, all power resides in elected members of parliament and the last monarch to do anything other than be a ceremonial figurehead, rubber-stamping parliament’s laws, was Queen Anne in 1707, which makes the current intervention an unusual action from a monarch more used to limiting her political statements to a particular colour of hat.

The Queen was last seen tearing up the Magna Carta and giving herself the divine right to rule on the grounds that she wasn’t a fucking twat who couldn’t organise a fucking traffic jam on a fucking motorway.

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!

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