Friday 21 December 2018 by Arabin Patson

Drone sales shoot up as arseholes realise they can shut down whole airports


man flying drone

Following the well-publicised shutdown of Gatwick airport for over 24 hours by a couple of drone flights, petty-minded bellends around the world have all requested a drone for Christmas in the hope that they too can feel important by inconveniencing thousands of people.

In Uttoxeter, geography student and utter prick Simon Williams, explained that he was not very interested in technology but that seeing the abject misery a simple drone could cause hade changed his mind.

“I usually confine myself to the online world for my nasty attention-seeking. Pretending to be on the alt-right or calling vicious criminals legends. That sort of thing.

“But now I see how easy it is to have a negative impact on so many people with a simple flying toy, I am definitely on course to become a pilot.

“It’s far more efficient to make other people suffer for my pathetic insecurities. Even at my best, like when I type insults on the tribute pages of dead children, the most I can hope for is a few hundred people getting angry with me and making me feel I matter. But now, all I have to do is find a secluded spot within a few miles of an airport and I can torment thousands.”

However, drone expert, Professor Amanda Tinnock, explained that the recent incident at Gatwick was likely to mean countermeasures would get a huge boost.

“The heyday of drone-based twattery is already over. Even an utterly useless government like the one we have will find ways to stop complete wankers from fucking up everybody’s holidays.

“Hopefully by putting guns on eagles.”

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