Theresa May has taken the unprecedented step of cancelling the next general election after deciding that she does not have sufficient support to win the vote.
Having previously been confident that she could secure victory in the 2022 election, it has become clear over the last few days that the nation thinks she’s an incompetent leading the nation into an inevitable humiliation.
A Whitehall insider told us, “We have looked at the numbers, and we have heard what the voting public is saying, and the chances of Theresa being returned as PM are so infinitesimally small that we have decided to call the whole thing off.
“Yes, I realise this is an unfortunate step given that everyone was expecting the vote in May 2022 at the very latest, but frankly there’s no point holding a vote if you can’t win it.
“There is very little constitutional precedent for what’s going on at the moment, so we thought we’d just stay here in charge indefinitely. I’m sure the people won’t mind.
Voters have reacted angrily to Theresa May’s moves to avoid a crushing defeat, insisting that sometimes you just have to take it on the chin and move on.
Felixstowe resident Simon Williams told us, “Look, I support Ipswich Town, but that doesn’t stop me turning up to Portman Road on a Saturday, knowing full well we’re going to get our arses handed to us by whoever has made the journey to Suffolk that particular day.
“Don’t forget, Nigel Farage has lost seven general elections, and he still somehow drags his arse out of the bed in the morning.”