Tuesday 11 December 2018 by Arabin Patson

European officials pretending not to be in as Theresa May returns to Brussels


Theresa May begging for help from EU leaders

As Theresa May goes back to Brussels in order to extract more concessions following yet another chaotic failure to get her deal approved, EU bigwigs have adopted a unified policy of locking themselves in, turning off the lights and not answering the door.

Speaking very quietly over the phone, EU trade commissioner Sigmund Wilhelms admitted that this approach was not the most dignified but it was the only one that didn’t involve security throwing the British PM out on the streets.

“Normally we love to talk to Prime Ministers. But with your Theresa May it’s just completely pointless. We’ve had the same position since 2016 but she always comes back because the ERG cranks reject anything that doesn’t involve a dreadnought shelling Dieppe.

“And, not to be rude, but she is a terribly dull person to spend time with. David Davies was boring too but he came into the room, played on his phone for 5 minutes and left. Dominic Raab was weird but we could make bets on how often he would flex his pecs in a minute. And your Mr Johnson was terrific fun. Especially after we got him drunk and switched languages on him. He reminded me of the time my girlfriend’s dog ate a hash cake.

“But Mrs May is incredibly boring and has those weird sunken eyes. So yeah, I prefer sitting quietly in the dark for a whole morning than listen to her explain how she has no real power in her own government.”

Mr Wilhelms had to cut the interview short as he thought he saw a gaunt awkwardly-moving person cupping their hands over his living room window.

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