Tuesday 27 November 2018 by Dan Sweryt

UAE seeking plaudits for pardoning ‘spy’ who can’t read or speak the language he was sent to spy in


United Arab Emirates

The famously liberal government of the United Arab Emirates are seeking plaudits from the UK for their act of pardoning a ‘convicted spy’ who can’t read or speak the language of the country he had been sent to spy on.

Former King of GCHQ, Sir Simon Williams KBE CBE OBE MBE, said, “I don’t know whether it’s more offensive to suggest that he is a spy who’s so good even we can’t tell he’s a spy and so his work is of literally no value, or that we are some sort of Keystone Cops operation, sending in an operative who can neither read nor write the predominant language of the country, making him less effective than a man with a phrasebook.

“Can you imagine how the conversation would go? ‘So, mate, what have you found out about one of our key allies that they wouldn’t tell us just by asking them directly?’.

“‘No, sorry, boss. I just can’t read any of the stuff on the important documents I can’t get hold of on account of not being able to read any of the names of the building or understand any of the maps’.

“‘Okay, so heard anything of interest?’

“‘No, like I said boss, the only Arabic I know is the stuff that Tom Cruise shouts out in those Mission: Impossible films, but that doesn’t really count, as I don’t understand even what he’s saying either.

“‘Besides, if they let me out, they’ve realised UK Government plc will be able to sell them all those arms that everyone else has decided to stop selling them.

“‘Well, that and the fact that I’m not a spy and haven’t done anything wrong but, you know, that doesn’t make me innocent here’.”

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