Tuesday 27 November 2018 by Davywavy

Lars Ulrich completes entire song without standing up


Lars Ulrich

The rock world is in a state of disbelief today amid reports that Lars Ulrich completed an entire song without standing up even once.

Metallica member Ulrich is best known for bobbing up and down like a delightful Jack-in-the-Box, but allegedly also does some drumming when he remembers – and sources indicate he may have managed to go a full four minutes or more without bouncing off his stool once.

“It ruined the show for me,” said Metallica fan Simon Williams.

“I go for the event and the staging and the sight of a comical goblin bobbing up and down at the back of the stage like Bilbo Baggins on a pogo stick.

“Instead he just sat there hitting the drums with sticks, which isn’t what I’d paid to see at all. It was awful.

“I’d demand a refund but we saw what he was like when people try and get money off him when he went after Napster, and I don’t want that sort of trouble.”

In a statement for the band, Metallica said they were very sorry for Ulrich’s disappointingly stationary performance but now he’s got a new haemorrhoid cream and an inflatable cushion he doesn’t need to keep standing up anything like as much as he used to.

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