Vladimir Putin launches new, more competent Russian intelligence agency

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Exasperated with the bungling efforts of his overseas agents, Vladimir Putin has announced his intention to replace Russia’s entire intelligence forces with more intelligent and more competent agents.

Speaking from his luxury dacha and secret base, the Russian president and former Men’s Health centrefold explained his new plan to address a series of high-profile failures on the part of his existing secret service employees.

“Idiots, I’m surrounded by idiots,” he raged, throwing a fluffy white cat from his lap and jumping up from an enormous black swivel chair.

He then paced irritably up and down in front of a bank of large TV screens showing satellite live footage from various European cathedral cities.

He went on, “I give you fools the simplest task, and yet you come back to tell me you have failed!

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“Kill an unsuspecting victim who lives with no security in a semi-detached house, I tell you, and you fail. Head to Holland to hack the International chemical weapons investigation team I tell you, and you fail. Imbeciles!”

“Failure is unacceptable,” he added to those gathered, before pressing a concealed button which deposited the entire staff of the current security forces into a piranha-filled electrocution tank.

Striding to a steel door, Putin slid it aside to reveal a hangar containing several hundred small yellow figures in overalls, who immediately began to scream incoherently, run in circles and fall over one another.

“Meet the new employees of GRU,” he cackled.

“Now the west will be forced to respect me!”