Donald Trump becomes first person in nine years to use Bing search engine

Microsoft has expressed delight today at the news that someone has used their search engine, even if it was the half-witted President of America.

After accusing tech giant Google of skewing search results unfavourably against him, Donald Trump has vowed never to use it again and instead has expressed his intention to use Bing to trawl the internet for pictures of his daughter in a bikini.

“Google are bigly sad, you know, the worst kind of people,” he told anyone within earshot at the White House.

“I type in my name and they give reports of things I have actually said or show pictures of a tango-ed Jabba the Hut with Melania in the little gold outfit, and both of those make me look bad. I have to eat three Happy Meals just to feel a bit better inside. Losers.”

He added, “I have found a new search engine, one that is so much better that only the best people use it. It’s called Bing, and it is very good at quickly finding me photos of Ivanka – I mean, er, nameless models – in bikinis.”

Microsoft spokesperson Christopher James told press, “We’ve got mixed emotions about this one. On the one hand, it’s great that someone is using Bing. We had a handful of people use it when we launched in 2009, but for much of the last decade we’ve been as unused as one of Trump’s condoms.

“It’s just a shame that it is Trump himself using it. We’ll give him a month or so to search for something actually worthwhile, but if it doesn’t take off then we’ll probably just close it altogether.

“Even we use Google most of the time, anyway.”