UKIP fail in audacious deadline day transfer bid for Boris Johnson

UKIP have failed to secure a key player for the forthcoming season, despite him being a perfect fit for the team.

The ailing party, whose management changes as frequently as a set of traffic lights, had hoped that the former Tory Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson might add some much needed strength and Latin vocabulary to their squad for what looks like a tough campaign ahead.

“We thought we could get this one across the line, but it looks like the boy is staying where he is. It’s such a shame,” remarked UKIP spokesperson Simon Williams.

“He really has been on top of his game recently. His recent comments about Burkas have really made it clear what a perfect fit for UKIP he would be and he could bring that special X factor to the UKIP team.

“We really thought we were in with a chance, especially now he is not Foreign Secretary. But, alas, we were unable to tempt him over as we only have £18.43 in the bank and I suspect he wanted a little bit more than that.”

After failing to land their preferred target, the party is now looking to strengthen their squad among loan signings, and even the recently retired.

Williams added, “It’s not all bad news, one of our former leaders – and I don’t want to give the game away, but his first name begins with N – might be making a surprise comeback soon.

“We’re still unlikely to win anything, but he should keep our supporters happy.”

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