New research has revealed that people who always wear matching socks need to get a fucking life.
Lead on the study Professor Henry Entwistle said, “Our findings show that individuals who take the time to pair up their socks – either after doing the laundry or when getting dressed – are less likely to have many friends, are more prone to depression and certainly don’t enjoy an active sex life.
“In fact, the socks themselves are likely to be the only available sexual partner.
“It should be noted that sometimes people with happy, fulfilling lives will wear matching socks by accident. However, even on these rare occasions, the socks will probably be slightly different shades due to having been worn and washed a different number of times.”
The findings have proved highly controversial with some people dismissing them out of hand.
“Jesus, if someone can’t even get their socks right then they don’t stand much of a chance with anything else,” said coordinated sock-wearer Simon Williams.
“How could I look someone in the eye and conduct a serious business meeting when I’m wearing one sock which says ‘Tuesday’ and another which says ‘Sunday’? It’s utter madness.”
Professor Entwistle now plans to conduct further research with the hope of unlocking the key ingredients of happiness.
“We have a couple of further studies planned – people who undo their laces before taking their shoes off and people who always put their keys in the same place.
“My aim is to develop a comprehensive tool for diagnosing sad twats so they can be given the necessary help.”
“What a load of bollocks,” scoffed Mr Williams, “I think the question the professor really needs to address is how does he have the time to study all this shit?”