Scottish Tory leader, Ruth Davidson, is in a critical condition in hospital after mistakenly using a burqa to ward off vampires.
Davidson, who was defending the burqa after recent attacks by a prominent, shit-stirring racist, insisted that it was really no different to wearing a crucifix.
In order to test her theory, Davidson donned the garment in the early hours of Thursday morning when a tall, handsome stranger came knocking at her door.
The Scottish Conservative leader’s neighbourhood has seen a spate of vampiric attacks in recent weeks as the minimum alcohol pricing has forced local youths to seek other forms of entertainment.
Friend of Davidson, Simon McWilliams, who was attending a dinner party at her house, said, “Och, it was really late and I was just clearing away some empty glasses when I suddenly noticed that Ruth was engaged in a titanic struggle with evil.
“This vampire-type guy had ripped her burqa clean off and had sunk his teeth into her neck, which severely compromised her abilities as a hostess. Ruth will be the first to admit that.
“I did what any member of the public would do and grabbed a cross from the wall, together with a few cloves of garlic. That seemed to do the trick.
“As her lifeless body slumped into my arms, the intruder quickly changed into a bat, took what was left of our heroin, and exited the living room via an open window.
“I initiated CPR immediately and called NHS Direct.”
Speaking from her hospital bed, Davidson told reporters, “I was merely trying to point out the equivalence of religious symbols in our multi-faith culture and highlight the need for tolerance and understanding.
“However, it seems when it comes to fighting evil, Glasgow-based vampires respond more to traditional Christian methods of banishment.”
She added, “I think they’re probably a wee bit racist.”