Roads become self-healing as tarmac melts to fill potholes

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The UK’s roads have officially become self-healing in the ongoing heatwave as tarmac is melting to fill in potholes up and down the country.

Ministry of Transport spokesman and typically Tory, Simon Williams, said, “This is great news for the country. No money is being spent filling in potholes, which usually takes billions from the taxpayer.

“This is great news for the economy and an example of how we can make Climate Change really work for us!

“The technology was not thought to exist to allow roads to be self-healing, but the answer is right in front of our eyes! All we needed to do was spend centuries pumping trillions and trillions of tonnes of poisonous gases into the atmosphere.

“It’s a great victory for wealth generators the world over!”

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Weather forecaster Eleanor Gay said, “The water is merely being stored up and will be coming down in torrents during Autumn and Winter.

“Admittedly, I don’t think we’ll see many potholes as entire roads are flushed downstream.”