England squad celebrating prospect of losing on penalties to non-German football team

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The England squad will be on the beers tonight after realising that the team that will deliver the final crushing blow to their own World Cup dreams at least won’t be Germany.

With the current World Cup holders having been knocked out of the tournament by their plucky South Korean opponents, the England squad now face the joyful prospect of losing on penalties to another team, for once.

“Well this has been a real boost for the players,” assistant coach Simon Williams told reporters.

“To know that the crippling inevitably of our defeat on penalties won’t be delivered by a German squad has really made our day, and given us a proper boost in confidence for our next match, or two if we’re lucky.

“I think we can all agree that we’d be delighted to lose on penalties to someone like Mexico or Sweden, and we’d class that as a great result.

“Even better if we can get as far as the semis before losing on penalties. That’s the dream.”

The news of Germany’s defeat has shot around the globe, leading to tears in Berlin and an impromptu carnival in Rio.