Black people at royal wedding totally makes up for Windrush, insist tabloids

Editors of Britain’s redtops have decreed that Prince Harry deciding to marry a BME woman, and allowing her friends and relatives at the service, has absolved the UK for any suffering caused by policies driven by relentless xenophobia.

Simon Williams, political editor at the Daily Express, explained that Harry’s wedding had convinced even the most ruddy-faced bigot that every horrible thing they had said or done to minorities was now forgiven.

He told us, “It was a beautiful moment of catharsis. I’ve always felt guilty about lambasting Romanians for existing or launching crusades against immigrants. It’s just our readers are, well, not the sharpest tools in the box.

“They need simple messages explaining that their lack of social mobility is due to Polish brickies in another town and not their lack of education or massive drink problem. There’s no money in nuance or decency. Plus, if I blame foreigners for government fuck-ups long enough, I could get a knighthood.”

Mr Williams explained that encouraging hatred had taken a toll.

He went on, “It’s always left a sour taste in my mouth, especially when I’m in a minicab. But now, I am released from my torment.

“Harry’s marriage has washed away my sins and that of my peers. Windrush, Brexit, harassment, assaults and those weird harridans who shout at people on the bus. We were all cleansed of guilt by approving of the marriage of two people we don’t know.

“I am forgiven now because I hummed along when the choir sang Stand By Me.

“They’re so good at music. Rhythm in their blood, you see.”

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