New posh dating app will help toffs choose which cousin to marry

author avatar by 6 years ago

Toffs have welcomed a new dating app aimed exclusively at the privately educated – because they believe it will successfully help them choose which cousin they should marry.

Normal human beings were stunned to learn that Toffee – which is aimed solely at matching the country’s old money elite with other elites from old money – will soon be launched.

But the announcement has been loudly welcomed by Britain’s public school poshos.

“Now the degree’s in the bag, Daddy says it’s time for one to stop burning £50 notes and sticking my cock in a dead pig’s head and find a wife to share the burden of ordering the maids about,” said Horatio Cuthbert-Farquhar-Smythe.

“I want to keep the bloodline as pure as possible, obviously, but because money’s no biggy the family keep plopping out heirs and heiresses all over the darn place.

“I can go to a polo match, meet as many as 20 eligible female cousins, and not have the slightest idea which one would be best to breed with.”

The app claims that its aim is to bring together a class of people with shared interests, which was welcomed by debutante Persephone-Honeydew Constance-Wilde.

She told us,“It’s important to create a world where we can mix freely without fear of pairing up with a below-the-stairs oik.

“I used Tinder once and met somebody who seemed utterly perfect, right until I discovered he wasn’t landed gentry at all, and actually bought his hampers from Waitrose.

“Imagine the shame. We don’t all go for commoners like Harry and Wills, yah.”