Teachers will definitely run in where trained security guards fear to tread, insists NRA

Teachers will definitely channel their inner Rambo in a situation a trained security guard didn’t fancy, according to the NRA this morning.

Following reports that an armed officer did not enter Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School to confront or engage a school shooter, the NRA has promised that a teacher who talks about Pythagoras for a living would do a much better job at leaping into a gunfight.

“Teachers are infinitely more equipped to deal with mass violence than trained security guards,” offered NRA spokesperson, Chuck Williams, his inflection rising at the end of his statement as if even he was questioning his own line of hideous bullshit.

“It is a disgrace that Deputy Scot Peterson did not run into the building with his pistol and engage in a gunfight with a young man equipped with a far more powerful firearm – but we fully expect teachers, who are far closer to the students, will be able to do just that and confidently put a bullet into the centre mass of a student they may have known for years.

“Furthermore…I… ugh…you know what, I can’t do this anymore.

“I’m actually making myself feel nauseous. Just print what you want, I need to go and have a hard look in the mirror.”

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