Heroin addict, Simon Williams, insists his frankly alarming dental health is a result of necking too much chamomile, it has emerged.
Williams who has four missing pre-molars and Stage Four gingivitis gets by primarily on a diet of street-bought skag and hand-me-down Ginsters.
However, the 42-year-old maintains his tooth decay started the day he chanced upon a Twinings Herbal Tea Variety pack in a supermarket skip.
Williams said, “My dentist had warned me of the dangers of too much Blackcurrant Ginseng & Vanilla, but like a fool I thought I could handle it.
“By the time I’d ripped open the Apple & Cranberry, my tooth enamel was coming away in great big clumps.
“Other than that, I brush twice a day and try to floss regularly when not being urinated on by a Young Conservative.”
Williams’ findings were backed up by a team at King’s College London who looked at a diet of three hundred UK citizens, not all of whom were heroin addicts.
Seamus O’ Toole, who led the study, said, “The kind of people who drink fruit tea tend to snack more and talk a lot of bullshit, all of which affects tooth decay.
“Admittedly, this can be exacerbated if you combine it with injecting copious amounts of smack into a vein in your cock. So probably best to avoid doing that.”
He added, “I would say to anyone thinking of even trying a Peppermint Herbal Infusion; stop, take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror, you’ll probably agree it’s seriously time to put your life in order.”