A man who gained five military deferments has demanded that people who actually joined the military march in his honour.
Donald Trump, who suffered from bone spurs for about twenty minutes every time someone suggested a tour in Vietnam might do him a power of good, announced he’d love to see people who actually have served take time out so he can wave at them with one hand whilst rubbing himself with the other.
The President is understood to have got their idea whilst visiting France, who despite their reputation have a genuine record of military excellence – unlike him.
“The Commander in Chief thinks that if the French can boast about their military prowess, well so can he – because he’s got even less,” a series of White House insiders including his own wife told us.
“He is very keen on the idea and has been making himself medals for bravery out of the foil from the top of yoghurt pots to wear at the parade.
“And he’s got a gigantic hat because he can’t bear the idea that Kim Jong-un – who coincidentally also never did a day in the army but loves military parades – should have a bigger one than him.”