Donald Trump weights 239lbs and is in great physical shape, the new White House doctor has confirmed in a statement.
Singing the medical details to a jaunty and uplifting tune, Rear Admiral P. N. Occhio told members of the press that the President has a resting heart rate of 68, a blood pressure of 122/74 and an absolutely massive penis.
He then said ‘Whoops!’ and giggled as he pushed his nose back in.
“I also have no concerns regarding the President’s cognitive abilities”, he added.
“He told me that when he gets in trouble and he doesn’t know right from wrong, or when he meets temptation and the urge is very strong, he always lets his conscience be his guide – which seems entirely reasonable to me.”
An investigation into White House collusion with Russia has also found the President innocent, saying there were ‘no strings’ holding him down.
However, external experts are unimpressed by the health report, suggesting that what the President eats is ‘Super calorie fat delicious, his diet is atrocious’.
“A spoonful of sugar is fine, but he shouldn’t overdo it,” one told us.