‘Joining our party makes you a fanny magnet’, claims UKIP

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If there’s one thing that turns a man into a fanny magnet it’s being a senior member of UKIP, according to reports today.

Party members are struggling to fight off a ‘tidal wave’ of glamour models and page three girls, who make their annual party conference look like a Beatles concert.

The political party is described as ‘non-stop sex’, with members engaging in multiple consequence-free sexual encounters with saucy lovelies half their age every day.

“I don’t know what it is,” said 23-year old stunna Simone Williams. “He might look like a big fat sod wearing a jacket and jeans combo two sizes too small, but as soon as I see that purple badge with a pound on it I’m dripping.

“It lends a man a combination of mystery and danger which as a real knicker-dropper as far as I’m concerned.

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“And if he’s a local councillor, or even better party leader, I’d do anything for him. Literally anything,” she breathed whilst tying a knot in a cherry stalk with her tongue.

“Oh God, look, it’s Godfrey Bloom. I’ll just undo my bra.”

Political sex aficionados have confirmed the only place to get even more neck-deep in quality trim is at the annual LibDem sex disco.