Old fat man dressed in red is watching you intently 24/7, children are assured

Britain’s children have been alarmed by repeated warnings that a suspiciously cheery old, bearded man in fancy dress is coming to their town and that they will have to be nice to him if they want any presents.

“It’s all very confusing to be honest,” said Jack Williams, a seven-year-old from Kettering.

“First they tell us never to talk to strangers in the park, particularly one offering you little gifts or enticements, then next thing you know we’re meant to be OK about some unkempt, overweight bachelor from the North Pole seeing us when we’re sleeping.

“I’m struggling with the five times table right now, but even I can work out that’s a bit weird.”

Jack’s sister Simone added, “Mrs Richards told us in Year Four that if any men offered us sweets we had to call for help and run away, but apparently with this Santa Claus character in our bedroom we’re ‘naughty’ if we shout, cry or pout.

“I’m beginning to wonder if this old man is really on the up and up. Sounds an awful lot like he should be on some sort of register with the government, or at least letting the police know his whereabouts.

“And I’m still not clear why this man with magic powers who can get around the entire world in one evening would want to come to a shithole like Kettering, of all places.

“Besides, if anyone should be on the naughty list, it should be Mummy because she plays with Uncle Nigel’s winky while Daddy is out at work.”

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