‘Unpatriotic saboteurs talking down England’s Ashes chances’ claims fan

England’s Ashes victory could be jeopardised if newspapers continue to report the score, it has been claimed.

Speaking on the news, a self-satisfied man or woman with a plummy voice and well-paid newspaper column pointed the finger at ‘saboteurs’ who would ‘rejoice if England do not get the 5-0 victory we deserve’.

The person, who appeared to be at no great risk of any major downturn in their personal circumstances each way, urged ‘unpatriotic moaners’ to recognise that England has the best cricket side in the world.

“We have a great team out there literally batting for England,” he said.

“If everybody would just get behind them properly, I’m confident that they will be coming home victorious, with the very best result for the country.

“You read people writing things like ‘six hundred and sixty-two declared’ and ‘Broad: 35-3-142-0’, and it’s just giving comfort to the other side.

When it was pointed out that England were being repeatedly carted around the park, they replied: “there you go again! I’m not interested in that; I’m interested in the best result for England.

It later emerged that the person stood to gain from a substantial wager on an Australian victory, and had previously advised their private investment clients not to review their BT Sport subscriptions.

Advertisement

NewsThumpNotebooks

Somewhere to write down everything that’s wrong with the world. You may need several.

See the full collection →