Diane Abbott refuses to back second referendum because she can’t count that far

The Shadow Home Secretary has refused to back a second EU referendum because ‘big numbers like that make her head go funny’ this morning.

Appearing on the Andrew Marr show this morning, Abbott was asked if she would support a motion for a second referendum on the terms of any deal with the EU – only for her to respond that it was unfair to ask her to speculate on highly mathematical concepts without the use of a calculator.

Speaking in that breathy, slightly creepy way she has, Abbott confirmed that large numbers like eleventy-billion, a gongoozle, and two were outside the remit of her position but she felt just going back again and again and again was pointless.

When told that a second time just meant going back again once, she grew flustered and short-tempered.

“Look, Andrew”, she told Marr. “If you’re just going to try and blind me with science with your entirely speculative ideas like ‘two’ and ‘second’, I don’t think we can go any further with this interview. First you say second and then you say once. Get your story straight.

“The people of Britain – or some of them, I’m not actually sure how many but it’s a really big number – voted in their quintillions and eight to leave the EU and that’s all of them.

“Trying to convince me otherwise with your ‘numbers’ and ‘data’ is just playing to the audience and is the sort of showboating we don’t like in the modern Labour Party.”

Critics have suggested to Jeremy Corbyn that the next time he appoints someone to the Shadow Cabinet, basing it on more qualifications than being his ex-girlfriend would probably be a good place to start.