David is very sorry and won’t do it again, Mrs May assures the EU

The obnoxious behaviour of David Davis, a rather dim English boy, has forced his guardian Mrs Theresa May to give assurances that the pledge she and David signed would be honoured, despite his silly boasts to the contrary.

David was recently found bragging about how he got one over ‘Barmy Barnier’ shortly after Theresa May was forced to come down in person and plead with senior administrators in order to avoid immediate expulsion. David was already in trouble because of his absenteeism and his increasingly ridiculous lies about missing assignments.

A visibly upset Mrs May did her best to defend her ward’s behaviour.

She explained, “He’s not a bad lad at heart. It’s just that he fell into a bad crowd and wants to impress his mates.

“I’ve tried telling him that Boris and Liam were trouble, but he won’t listen. They’re silver spoon brats but David doesn’t come from money, and if he fails this then he has nothing to fall back on.”

Mr Barnier explained that he had to take take a hard line over David’s behaviour.

He went on, “We were all young once; we’ve all wanted to look tough in front of our friends – and Mrs May’s heartbreak touched us.

“But I have to think of the 27 others. I have no choice but to ask for stricter guarantees if David wants to stay in this process. We will want written updates on how he intends to regain our trust.

“But if we hear that he is hanging around with that vicious little shit Nigel, then he is out.”

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