Please stop eating us in your sleep, beg house spiders

author avatar by 6 years ago
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For people who claim to be afraid of spiders you eat a heck of a lot of us in your sleep, spiders have said today.

In a statement woven into a web spun disconcertingly close to your face when you woke up this morning, house spiders have asked if people would please stop scoffing them in their sleep as it’s making getting about in the dark really frightening for them.

House spiders, who enjoy scuttling over your recumbent form as you slumber, said that the experience was fraught with danger as they never know when your great, stupid mammalian gob is going to open and suck them in.

“Apparently every person eats five spiders in their sleep during their life,” the woven message said.

“If you add up everyone in the country, that’s three hundred and fifteen million of us. It’s a massacre.

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“It’s the sleepwalkers who are worst. By day you act like you’re all afraid, but at night you’re pursuing us about the place, cramming my wife and kids into your mouth. It’s hideous.

“I bet you don’t even know you’re doing it, do you?”