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The staid world of theoretical physics was abuzz yesterday as David Davies, a layman, confirmed no less than 58 observations of a material that both exists and doesn’t exist.
The possibility had been hypothesized by some of the greatest scientific minds of our era, but was, as of yet, unproven.
Professor Simon Williams of the Royal Society confirmed that, should the claims be true, Mr Davis would be a shoo-in for the Nobel Prize.
“It’s a game changer. That a simple departmental impact assessment is the first confirmed demonstration of quantum superposition is amazing in itself.
“That Mr Davis managed to observe the phenomenon on 58 occasions is incredible. And the parameters are so unexpected.
“The assessments were weighty and well-researched dossiers when he was trying to prove to Parliament that his department knew what they were doing. But now he has been forced to produce them, they have become ephemeral figures of speech. This will revolutionise how we perceive reality itself.
“David Davis has just transformed a purely theoretic field into the new frontier of amazing practical applications, from warp drives to time travel.
“That is as long as he’s not just an incompetent blowhard hoping that another lie will cover up the fact he’s spent months of time and millions of pounds of your money doing sweet fuck-all.”
Downing Street lauded the discovery as a sterling example of British innovation.
To further aid scientific research, Theresa May announced she was sending Boris Johnson to CERN’s Hadron Collider in Geneva until he discovers “dark matter particles or a sense of shame. Whatever comes first.”
