Donald Trump begins tour of Asian countries he was too scared to visit as part of the military

author avatar by 6 years ago

President Trump today begins a 12-day tour of five countries, some of which he declined to visit the first time around due to those pesky bone spurs.

Despite continually heaping praise on the US military, the current White House infestation never actually served in the military due to having ‘bone spurs’; a condition that makes it impossible to pick up a gun, but significantly easier to grab female colleagues by their genitals.

An anonymous source close to the White House told us, “Basically, I think Trump just wants to be able to say ‘When I was in ‘Nam’ with enough conviction to make someone believe he’d fought in the Vietnam war.

“It’ll be the same with Korea, too. Obviously, he did everything he could to get out of military service, but he’s still interested in visiting those countries and seeing how their strip clubs compare to the ones in America.”

He added, “There could be some positives from this trip – we’re hoping that the Chinese President will finally convince Trump that his country is not pronounced ‘Gina’, and that by meeting Rodrigo Duterte from the Philippines that he gets a chance to witness what a populist extreme right-winger maniac is like from the view of an outsider.

“Either way it will be great to give America twelve days respite from Trump. And that’s plenty of time for Mueller to get set up and lie in wait for his return.”