Prepare for a no-deal Brexit, say people whose only job is to make a deal on Brexit

Theresa May and David Davis have warned the British public to get ready for a catastrophic exit from the EU when they inevitably fail to do what they set out to.

Simon Williams, a spokesman for DExEU, warned that the nation must be ready to face the consequences of his department’s utter failure to do the one thing they were set up to do.

“Here at DExEU we respect the will of the people. The British public knew what is was voting for when they saw who was on the Leave side.

“Had they wanted serene, competent leadership they would not have backed Boris Johnson. It is our mandate to deliver a complete clusterfuck obscured by jingoistic slogans, and that is exactly what we will do.”

It is understood the department has been preparing contingency plans for a cliff-edge Brexit.

Measures will include the distribution of a ration book, guidance on mending clothes and an assessment of the environmental benefits when no one can afford cars or electricity.

One controversial proposal would allow easier access to firearms so that people can supplement their food allowance through hunting and also ward off bands of marauders.

The government has received some support from prominent brexiteers.

Nigel Farage blamed the deadlock on European intransigence. In his radio show, the former UKIP leader lambasted the EU’s demands that the UK attend discussions.

He claimed that to sit around a table amicably with foreigners would be “a slap in the face to all Leave voters.”

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