Theresa May offers advice to Angela Merkel on how to build coalition with loathsome nutjobs

As part of a post-Florence charm offensive, the Prime Minister has declared she would be happy to share her expertise with Germany’s chancellor-elect on making fast deals with repugnant bigots just to stay in power.

Amanda Tinnock, spokesperson for number 10, explained that the UK’s help could speed up delicate coalition talks that could last until Christmas.

“There is no other nation that matches our skill in offering naked bribes to people connected with terrorists who think the Reformation is a hot political issue.”

However, many German politicians doubt the British example would work in Germany, as claimed Siegfried von Wilhelms, a senior CDU policy adviser.

“Our cultures are too different. In Bavaria we like to say langsamme macht gut. Which is why every wanker in the world drives a BMW and British Leyland is a parable for industrial suicide.

“Also, for historical reasons, we are quite wary of people who like marching in stupid uniforms, making big bonfires and shouting hatred towards religious minorities.

“The talks might look like a lengthy process but a well-thought-out coalition would allow Frau Merkel to rule as she sees fit without backstabbing chancers sabotaging her every move just for an implausible shot at the top job.”

Mr Wilhelms also explained that Germany’s legal system allowed wealthy political activists to take the issue to the courts and obtain judgements that could collapse a political deal, create havoc and force an election-weary country back to the polls again. Something that would surely be impossible in the UK.

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