‘Why the f**k do we still live here?’ asks Midsomer resident
by Daniel Hopkins 10 years ago 
A Midsomer resident has finally asked fellow residents exactly why they continue to live in the murderous county.
Hundreds have died over the last decade and it hasn’t gone unnoticed by one resident, John Kermoor.
“I’ve lost my first wife, my second wife, my third wife, my best friend and a goldfish called Jaws.
“I don’t know why I carry on living here. It takes me two hours to walk down a half mile road. Avoiding all the chalk outlines and police tape is quite something.”
Despite the slaughter, John just seems to be attracted to the violence.
“I suppose it’s part of the fun. They put up a police cordon around my fish’s bowl. It was quite funny, but the aquatic population went down by 50%.”
He added, “I do want to move, though. I’d like to live past 36.”
John then saw an approaching shadow and decided to make vague remarks about its identity, before lying down in a preemptive death position.
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