Electoral College declares Honey G winner of X Factor

Following their current trend of blindly flying in the face of popular opinion, the US Electoral College has announced Honey G the winner of this year’s X Factor.

Despite being almost universally despised, the middle-class novelty rapper has already been guaranteed the competition crown, thanks to reasons no-one quite understands regardless how many times it is patiently explained to them.

X Factor enthusiast Simon Williams, who is one of about eight people who actually enjoys Honey G’s ‘musical’ offerings, told reporters, “This is a victory for Honey G and a victory for quality TV programming. This will make Britain’s music scene great again.”

Beaming, he added, “She raps it like it is, and the gold jackets, sunglasses and everything about her image gives me confidence that she can deliver exactly what this country needs, musically speaking, despite having precious little previous experience in this field.

“Who cares if she has millions of haters expressing concern and disgust over her performances. The Electoral College has spoken and that’s that. Get over it.”

It is believed that the remaining rounds of the populist, lowest common denominator TV show will continue as planned, despite all the contestants and viewers knowing the surprising and depressing outcome, in the utterly futile hope that a handful of members of the Electoral College will see sense and change their mind before the dreadful decision is formalised.

I think, therefore I am (not an X Factor voter)

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