As the cost of Brexit becomes clearer, the Government plans to cull the elderly in order to save money on social care in order to fund the diplomacy and bureaucracy required to extricate the country from EU.
The cull will initially be purely voluntary, and volunteers will be sought amongst the millions of elderly Brexit voters.
“We’re reasonably confident that a voluntary cull will be a success,” said a spokesperson for the government.
“After all, we are talking about the wisdom of age here. I can’t imagine a great many old people would actually want to see the state of the country after Brexit, so they’ll be quite happy to be culled.”
The cull will take place over a fortnight at Wembley Stadium with entertainment from the Strictly Come Dancing dancers and comedy from Christopher Biggins.
The volunteers will be given a nice cup of tea and a Marks and Spencer biscuit before having a bolt shot into their brain.
“Would I prefer Brexit or a bolt in the brain?” said pensioner Simon Williams.
“I may be old, but I’m not a fool. I’ll take the bolt in the brain.
“And if I have to sit through Christopher Biggins to get one, then so be it.”
There is a contingency plan in the event of not enough old people volunteering for the cull
“Oh, that’s not a problem,” said the spokesperson.
“We’ll just bomb Eastbourne; that ought to do it.”