Millions of American turkeys gladly welcome the sweet release of death

author avatar by 7 years ago

Families across the United States will be celebrating Thanksgiving today and no-one is more thankful than the turkeys themselves who now find themselves mercifully free from the carnival of horror that is 2016.

Chuck Williams, a turkey farmer from Kentucky, told reporters, “Something strange happened this year as we were slaughtering the birds.

“Usually they flap around in a blind panic when we start lining them up to slit their throats, but this year they just stood there with a weary, resigned look in their eyes and made no effort to escape.

“A couple of them even came up and calmly rested their necks on my lap – almost as if they’d seen enough political insanity in their short lives and were willing me just to end it for them.”

Over three hundred million Americans will be tucking into their turkeys this Thanksgiving, despite having precious little to be thankful for, and with an impending Trump presidency looming some commentators have suggested the celebrations should be renamed ‘Comfort-eating Day’ or ‘Sorrow-drowning Day’.

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Mr Williams added, “It was like these turkeys would rather be put out of the misery of 2016 than stick around and see what 2017 has in store, and frankly I can’t say I blame them.”