Everyone Irish now

As Britain moves ever forward in its quest to make its population poorer and despised, anyone with any connection to Ireland is desperately attempting to claim Irish citizenship.

As such Britons with Irish spouses, grandparents or cousins, or who have watched more than two episodes of Father Ted are claiming to be as Irish as a Leprechaun kissing the Blarney Stone.

Simon Williams of Islington said, “Dat’s right, Oi’m Oirish. To be sure, frosted lucky charms, drinkin’ and potatoes! Oi love me heritage! Oi’m certainly not doing this so that I can enjoy freedom of movement through all our neighbouring countries. Oi love the craic!

“Ach begora, where’s me fookin’ Shillelagh!”

The Office of National Statistics reported a 2000% increase in Britons adding ‘O’ to the front of their surnames along with a massive upswing in sales of green bowler hats and fake ginger beards.

Actual Irish person Niamh Kelly of Galway said, “I’m pleased that everyone wants to be Irish, but England is getting like bloody Boston. Put the Guinness down, take off the foam top hat and stop singing Dropkick Murphys songs. They’re fucking American for a start. This plastic Paddy nonsense is annoying and insulting. Do you even know what a Shamrock actually is?

“Basically if you can’t pronounce my name you’re not Irish. Stop it now.”

However London based Pádraic O’Gorman, formerly of Limerick, was a lot more positive: “It’s amazing, so it is. I never thought in me life that the ‘Have ye got any Irish in ye? Would ye like some?’ line would work but now I’ve got them lining up round the block.

“Bless ye, Brexit.”

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