‘Stop comparing us to Michael Gove’, insist pantomime villains

Panto villains have signed an open letter expressing anger at comparisons made between them and dour Tory ghoul Michael Gove.

The letter reads, “We, the panto villains, hereby formally known as Leslie Grantham, reject any comparisons between our noble art of villainy, dastardliness and failing to creep up on Darren Day undetected, and the slimy effluence of putrefied shite that is this grey political gnome.

King Rat said “He’s Smee at best. At a push he’s Wishy Washy, but he isn’t in the same league as Captain Hook or Abanazar.

“We are the towering figures in all-round bastardry and experts in taking a custard pie in the face. We’re spinning wheel saboteurs and apple poisoners. We are not creeping shadowy shit stirrers.”

Maleficent continued, “I don’t sit gabbing to The Wicked Queen about Cinderella’s bitch of a step mother.

“I’ll just hypnotise her cat Lucifer to sit on her face one day when she’s asleep and be done with it.

“We are up-front in our desire to destroy everyone who stands in our way, even if we are contractually obligated to join Bonnie Langford at the end for a sing-song.”

The baddies have threatened strike action if the spectre of Gove continues to besmirch their honourable profession.

Talks will focus on which day during their four weeks of employment this should occur.

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