Boris Johnson is giving dumb blonds everywhere a bad name, according to former Atomic Kitten and spokesperson for one-hundred-prawns-in-a-packet-for-a-pound, Kerry Katona.
She told reporters that she is in full agreement with the rest of England that Boris Johnson is indeed a shitwit.
Marking the first time that Katona has said anything that didn’t trail off into garbles and staring glassily into the void beyond Eamon Holmes’s shoulder, she complained that Boris, world-renowned political outhouse and country-bugger-upperer, was reinforcing negative stereotypes about the intellectual capacity of blondes to contribute to civilised society.
She said, “Er, if you mean he’s a bell-end, then yeah. He’s fucked up those of our colouring worse than a dodgy bottle of peroxide.”
“Us blondes, sometimes blondes and so blonde-it’s-all-white-like-Pauline’s-from-EastEnders have had it hard.
“All those Heather Mills ‘head screwed on like her leg’ jokes and all that bollocks about staring at juice cartons because it said concentrate on the label, but we’re never been hated like this. I thought that’s what the gingers were for.
“Yet here we are with some Glossop-from-The-Riddlers gobshite making us all look thick as shit and like we don’t know what Europe is. I know what it is. I’ve been to Faliraki.
“Plus the woman who mops around me each morning comes from Borat-istan, which is near that boot shaped country that looks like it’s about to step in a turd.”
Katona is now in line to host her own BBC politics show to rival Peston on Sunday, with Kezza on Keynesianism and a Shit Load of Coke will begin filming once producers have peeled her off the sofa cushions.