Buy-to-let landlords demand ‘extortionate’ rise in sympathy

author avatar by 8 years ago

Landlords are demanding sympathy rises well in excess of inflation after new Stamp Duty rates were quickly introduced to hit them hard when purchasing new property.

In a surprise move by the Chancellor, where he unexpectedly ended up looking like a good guy, rates were increased to 3%, forcing a lot of diamond-shoed millionaire landlords to question why no-one was making a big fuss for them or starting a government petition in their honour.

Emperor of the Landlords, Simon Williams said, “Now when I try to buy a house, I have to pay five grand more in Stamp Duty than last week! That’s nearly as much as I make in three days renting out one of my health hazard, cockroach-infested, one-bedroom ‘studio flats’ with a bucket for a toilet!

“Not one person has come over and patted me on the back, telling me it’s going to be okay.

“Which is a good job, cos they shouldn’t be touching what they can’t afford.

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“I’m not made of money!” he added, as his reconstructed nose fell away to reveal the distinctive thin metal line and Queen’s portrait of a fifty pound note.

Landlords have been widely criticised as the reason that the housing bubble has not yet burst, having strengthened the bubble’s exterior by putting on a extra-solid garden gate lock from Homebase, usually reserved for tenants’ toilet doors, and then ‘putting a bit of WD40 on it’.

It has been further galvanised by outsourcing the management of these properties to an even worse subset of people: estate agents, who last week collected the top accolade at the ‘Most Heinous’ awards for the fifth consecutive year, despite strong resurgence of 2nd-placed ‘70s DJs’ in a competition that saw Satan dropping out of the top 10 for the first time.