Europe is braced for an exodus of well-heeled refugees fleeing the bitter Conservative infighting.
As the feud descends into outright violence, scores of Conservatives have been found washed up on the Greek island of Lesbos, where many have been forced to retreat to their second homes.
Others have set sail for their offshore accounts in the Seychelles using makeshift yachts costing as little as two million pounds.
Splits have even emerged on Theresa May’s deathly pale chest, with left and right factions refusing to be part of the same cleavage.
Viewers around the world have been treated to the pitiful sight of Iain Duncan Smith stumbling out of a speedboat, clutching a dead infant he planned to eat later.
Analysts say the unfolding situation is comparable to Syria, except it’s less hot and the victims are arseholes undeserving of sympathy.
Meanwhile George “Cuntyface” Osborne has denied ordering the assassination of Boris Johnson, insisting he would let the markets take care of it.
Medecins Sans Frontieres spokesman, Simon Williams, said, “We are asking the public to provide sanctuary for the war-torn in any heavily taxed spare bedrooms they may have.
“If the conflict worsens, we face the very real prospect of Michael Gove in combat gear.”