Ofsted to put Hogwarts in ‘special measures’

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Following its latest inspection, Ofsted has rated Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry as ‘inadequate’.

Schools Inspector Diane James filed the damning report after visiting the UK’s only magic-based comprehensive.

“The school is chronically overcrowded,” said Mrs James, “Five hundred students will turn up for quidditch finals, although there is only dorm space for 280 students.

“Where the rest sleep is a mystery. The fatality rate at Hogwarts is also extremely high, caused by psychotic teachers or the ferocious beasts that regularly rampage through the castle and grounds.

“In 1997 the place was used as a fortress in a pitched battle, although that was just after Labour came to power so we don’t really care about that.

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“Lakes infested with dangerous creatures and moving staircases are also issues that rarely come up in most state schools.”

Grades at the school are said to be well above average, although none of them are in National Curriculum subjects.

Core skills like maths and English as well as Sex Education are described by Mrs James as “Nonexistent. Like, literally.”

Outbreaks of head lice and impetigo have been a regular occurrence due mainly to the fact that only prefects have bathing facilities.

“Hogwarts have no record of ever taking a disabled student,” continued Mrs James “although their special needs programme is excellent.

“Which they insist on referring to as ‘Hufflepuff’.”