Friday 22 February 2013 by Waylandsmithy

Ministers unveil route of controversial ‘Hadrian’s Wall 2’

The route of Hadrian’s Wall 2, a ruinously expensive unlink between Scotland and the South, has been revealed by Ministers in London.

David Cameron insisted the project would provide a welcome boost to beleaguered rampart and turret industries, and reduce journey times to Scotland by 100%.

“While Scottish independence is by no means a certainty, we’re keen to start work on this project straight away”, insisted the prime minister.

“Successive governments have failed to invest in our key battlement infrastructure, but HW2 will see us return to the glory days of the Roman Empire.”

The route of the wall is likely to face fierce local opposition, and the Conservatives have been accused of ‘gerrymandering’ key parts of the plan.

HW2 unveiled

The original wall, built in AD122, joined the Tyne in the East to the Solway Firth in the West.

Providing a long and inconvenient obstacle to being attacked by marauding Scots, the service enjoyed on-wall meals, state-of-the-art toilets and was used regularly by legions of Legions.

The new route is somewhat lower, running below Liverpool and Hull, with a branch wall that entirely cuts off Birmingham.

“Those that oppose this wall are standing in the way of progress”, insisted Cameron, “that, or they’re living somewhere that voted Labour.”

Cameron hopes to build support for HW2 in Scotland by insisting he’s opposed to the idea, and that a ‘No’ vote was basically saying they loved him more than Alex Salmond.

“The route is still open to consultation, and we might alter it if we discover something useful to us in the West Midlands”, Cameron acknowledged.

“But as I explained to Nick Clegg, there’s already another perfectly decent IKEA in North London.”

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