The LAPD has reassured gun fans that owning lots of firearms is safe, after their good guys gunned down a good guy gone bad.
“Using powerful weapons and the certain knowledge we were doing the right thing, it’s my pleasure to announce that we killed the fuck out of a bad guy today”, explained LAPD Chief Dwight Moore.
“We would have killed him sooner but this guy used to be good, which means even though he turned bad, he still handled his rifle like the righteous.”
The NRA has urged gun shop owners to ‘listen to their hunches’ in future, and only sell guns to people they think might have some good left in them.
“No-one here at the NRA would unreservedly endorse arming the bad guys” raved spokesman Sam Petersen, “It’s called the ‘Bill of Rights’, not the ‘Bill of Wronguns’.”
“So if you work in a gun shop and think the customer might be a disgraced cop on the edge, a drug dealer, or a sociopath with a grudge against school kids, try selling them just a few small weapons at first, and see how they get on.”
LA Gunman caught
Petersen believes that gun ownership will generally sort itself out, given that ultimately, the good guys often win.
“This country would be a whole lot safer if the right people armed themselves to the teeth”, foamed Petersen.
“If you’re some kind of saint, you owe it to society to be tooled up like a desperate Mexican bandit.”
When Petersen was asked what to do if good cops turn bad in the future, he had this advice for the LAPD human resources department.
“Obviously, it would be unconstitutional to disarm them straight away”, he ranted.
“But in this case, despite all the burnt out cars, kidnappings and three or four dead bodies, the good guys won. Doesn’t that make you feel proud to be American?”