Tuesday 25 September 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Government to disarm Police with ‘doffing caps’

Following confusion amongst police officers regarding their place in the pecking order, the government has announced plans to disarm them with uniform doffing caps.

Made from a traditional pleb tweed and easily wringable, the new doffing caps provide cover for even the most untugged of forelocks.

Chief whip Andrew Mitchell welcomed the move, having himself been insulted by a lowly bobby who didn’t open a door for him.

“This is a welcome shot in the arm for our down-trodden f*****g plebs”, announced Mitchell.

“Because some of the f****rs clearly aren’t down-trodden enough. I would encourage all officers to watch Downton Abbey and see if they can tell where they’re going wrong. It’s a game I call ‘spot the deference’.”


Newly-demoted police chief FP Brian Sheringham has thanked sir kindly for his wisdom, but meekly questioned the practicality of some of the other changes.

“If you’ll be begging me pardon, master, but some of these changes will make it harder to humbly serve you”, mumbled Sheringham.

“It’s going to be hard to catch criminals if we have to walk slowly backwards everywhere, while averting our gaze and bowed respectfully at the waist.”

Critics of the plan have questioned Mitchell’s own standing in society, pointing out that technically, he’s also an ‘uncivil servant’.

“They may have the lib dems fagging for them, and their own police to keep out the riff-raff”, admitted one prole.

“But it’s no surprise a pleb didn’t recognise him, wearing lycra and a helmet.”

“Perhaps ballooning might be a more appropriate form of travel for such an eminent member? It should suit him, he’s used to looking down on everyone.”

“Pleb” – get your t-shirt here

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