Wednesday 22 February 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Tesco raises minimum wage to ‘small bowl of rice’

Tesco has made a dramatic U-turn on a policy of using ‘slave youths’ to stock its shelves, and has now agreed to feed them enough calories to keep them alive.

Under a government scheme, 18-24 year-olds too feckless to hold down a job at McDonald’s were sent to out-of-town forced labour supermarkets, with adequate parking and a two-for-one offer on destroyed souls.

“It’s tough work”, complained Andy Chambers, a 20 year-old Shelf Assistant.

“I have to remember how to use my arms, pick things up, all the while remembering to breathe.”

“Then it’s a case of waiting for my supervisor to read the labels, to make sure I put things down in the right place.”

“The worst thing is the uniform: it’s so degrading. No-one has tried escaping, the risk of being spotted by your mates is too great.”

Tesco youth workers

With managers performing spot-checks to make sure workers have been to the bathroom and can still remember how to find their own nose with one hand, low-skilled ‘Value’ staff are being pushed to their limits.

Store Commandant Derek Hawthorn believes they are providing a valuable service, in teaching youngsters the skills necessary to hold down a mind-numbing job without prospects for the next 40 years, while all the time feeding them just enough food to stop them from dying.

“We recognise the need for wage slavery, and we take their rights very seriously.”

“That’s why we’re bringing in an apprenticeship for the brighter ones, to teach them how to deal with a price check, or mop up tears in the staff room.”

Hawthorn denied the 25-year apprenticeship was just another excuse to avoid paying people properly.

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